June 11, 2009

the time has come to say goodbye

Goodbye Deep Focus,

Goodbye New York,

Goodbye Philadelphia,

Helllooooo Washington, DC!

this is officially the last time i post from the comfort of my work desk. after three long years of Deep Focus-ing and blogging from NY, the time has come for me to embark on a new chapter of my life.

i've been working on this thing called "living" and "being happy" so my decision to move was an easy one. sure, there's the whole "what are you going to do when you get there??" factor which is a completely valid question. and i'm not the kind of person to pick up and move with little to no security but hey, i had a birthday yesterday: i'm a brand new woman!

next time i write, it will be from the comfort of my amazing new apartment in the beautiful Maryland suburbs of DC. my time not blogging will be spent mocking Maryland crab jokes, rooting for the Nats when they're not playing the Phils, lounging around the pool and playing tennis in my apartment complex, celebrating the end of my 14 hour workdays by walking dogs as a source of income, bonding with my ginger cat, discovering new crockpot recipes and putting my new spice rack to use, joining a softball league, not letting my golf clubs get dusty, not allowing my laundry to pile up and planting large smooches on my manfriend when he least expects it!

let the living begin!


June 4, 2009

trim the bush

this lovely little vid from Gillette explains to guys "How To Shave Your Groin". i'm not sure if watching it amuses me or makes me feel uncomfortable. i'm definitely entertained by the phrase "trim the bush to make the tree look taller" because what dude isn't going to fall for that and promptly run out to buy some Gillette? but men, be advised that no matter how you dress it up, it's still going to be small in the dark.


June 3, 2009

ohhh kelly clarkson


i feel kind of terrible commenting on this because i am, of course, a woman and it's my belief that 99.9% of women have been self conscious of their weight at least once in their life, if not frequently in their lives. that being said, this weight gain goes beyond Jessica Simpson "fat" (which was ridiculous) and i'm not writing this post just to say Kelly is fat (which she is) but to say WTF?!?!

if nothing else, this is just UNHEALTHY. i mean, what are you eating to have gained that much weight in a year? i tend to put on weight when i'm poor or trying to save money (aka right now) because let's get real, Ramen is much cheaper than soup and a salad from NY luncheries. also, when in your final semester of college and your money has dried up and your parents are 200 miles away so they can't stop you from replacing a healthy meal with a jar of peanut butter and a 6-pack of PBR pounders, you tend to get fat. or when you're living in Brooklyn at the start of your first "real" job and your rent cost more than your paycheck and your impending student loans are giving you nightmares while you sleep in a bed that takes up half the space in your 5x7 room, you tend to get fat...

i digress.

but seriously Kelly, WTF?!?!!? sure your last album was terrible and you fought with Clive Davis and insisted upon its release anyway and then it inevitably tanked but i'll be damned if "Since U Been Gone" doesn't fucking rule and get played on the radio still. I KNOW you can afford to eat a salad now and again.

so seriously Kelly, do it for your arteries. i honestly don't want to see you with Type 2 diabetes before your 30th birthday. pull yourself together lady.

more photos via Just Jared


June 1, 2009

vacation, staycation

ahhhh Monday back after my vacation to nowhere. how did i spend my vacation, you ask? and the answer would be "doing nothing". unless you consider stuffing my face as doing something. and i do.

highlights of the week:

(*see disclaimer)

mmmm i can't decide what was the yummiest but i can tell you what was the most amusing....

full blown wasabi freak out! hilarious.

(*I'm a Pat's steaks kind of gal but the line was horrendous and when you're super hungry and the Geno's line across the street is staring back at you in all of it's shortness, it's kind of hard to pass up. what can i say? i'm a fat girl and it was way past my feeding time.)


May 21, 2009

the quest for a ginger kitteh

i like these ginger cats. now what's my next step? i'm a dog person. all i know is dog breeder protocol. kitteh catz? no clue. shelter? craigslist? chinese restaurant? help!


May 20, 2009

pa-pa-pa-poker face


Where do even I begin? First, there's the Criss Angel factor but I won't even go there because the only person who likes Criss Angel is this guy. Next, while I am aware that there are people in this world who are into vampire culture and that there are also people in this world who like Lady GaGa in all her space costume terribleness, what I was NOT aware of was the fact that these two seemingly different lifestyle choices/preferences/bad decisions/whatever could be tangled into the same person. What a wonderful world we live in. Lastly, I know there are fake vampire nails or something in the equation but this guy has really long fingers, right?


Lennons all around!

i often wonder of the relationship between Lennons, Julian and Sean. Sean is kind of a d-bag and the apple of John's eye. Julian had one hit song and a father who didn't care much for him. yet here they are chumming it up.

there is seriously no denying that either of these guys came from John Lennon. and both look as much like their mothers as they do their father. except Julian has a little Eric Clapton in him too.

speaking of Beatles...

I'm in the market for a pet but the apartment I'm moving to won't let me have a doggie on the top floor and the boyfriend is being a big cry baby about any long haired critters so I might settle for a nice little tabby cat. A nice little tabby cat named Paul. As in Sir Paul McCATney. It took me 20 minutes to convince lover that I was being serious and another 20 to make him roll with it. Honestly, is a cat named Paul THAT strange? I think it's pretty awesome. And I think it would be awesome if someone out there could hook me up with a free kitty. Preferably a ginger so I can passive aggressively torment him. And don't say "awww that's mean" because it's a god damn cat. You know he's thinking some snarky shit when he's observing us humans and our mundane lives.


May 7, 2009

because Alice In Wonderland wasn't already trippy

some awesome dude made an electronic rendering of a song called "Alice" - 90% of which is composed using sounds from Walt Disney's "Alice in Wonderland"

if you've just popped acid and want the effect above times 10, click THIS LINK. it's pretty badass but if you're seizure prone, you should probably quit shortly before the 1:00 min mark. if you're like me and can't handle the intensity of watching the link above but still really like the song, you can check out the YouTube vid below:


May 5, 2009

haggard lohans

these girls seriously look like they're in their 30s. i mean, i don't look like the youngest 24 year old but these skanks are younger than me! rough.


May 1, 2009

hippy goat

from the makers of Emo Cow, i bring you HIPPY GOAT!

(shout out to Jordan for the tip-off!)

not to be confused with Happy Goat but still kind of freaking awesome.


April 30, 2009

keepin' it topical

it's funny until i actually get the swine flu - because there's no way i can avoid trains. DAMN YOU, Joe Biden.

whatever, i ain't afraid of a little flu. i eat pigs of BREAKFAST. speaking of pigs....

part sheep, part pig = SHEEPPIG!

and thanks to Michelle's Photoshop Paint skillz we've also got SEXY SHEEPPIG!


Cuchini: The Camel Toe Eraser

this post goes out to my coworker, Ms. Elizabeth Gopaul who i affectionately refer to as Camel Toe. not because i've ever seen her with one but because her beautiful luscious eyelashes are long like a camel. and i have a hard time saying "camel" without following it up with "toe". either way, i don't explain this story when i yell "heyyy camel toe!" to her around the office. she just gets some funny stares before she huffs and puffs and squeaks and calls me "hoe cake" and runs off to her office. ahhhh my little camel toe.

Summer’s almost here, ladies! Are you ready? And more importantly, is your vagina ready? If it’s not, you better get your hands on the Cuchini - a brand new pad that “eliminates camel toe.”

(Yes, this is a real product with a real website. Thankfully, the entire site is written in the nasty Comic Sans font for added comedic effect. )

The CUCHINI? Couldn’t they come up with a better name? It sounds like a really bad lesbian magician’s stage name… or something a lonely old bearded man would pay to get in the back seat of his car (”come on baby, how much for THE CUCHINI?”)

Anyway, here’s the thing: of course it eliminates camel toe! You’re shoving a BICYCLE SEAT down your underwear. Look at the size of that thing! Forget a camel toe. The Cuchini could easily hide your eccentric neighbor’s Mini Cooper.



April 22, 2009

this melts my heart

all i know about this video is that it's "The PS22 Chorus of 2009" singing Coldplay's Viva La Vida, the soloist's name is April, and it's the most pleasant thing i've ever laid ears on. i don't even normally like this song but i can't stop listening!

you have to actually watch the whole thing through at least once too. the closed eyes, the head swaying, the heart clenching...GAH! i can't take it. AMAZING!



john mayer is getting on my nerves

back when my future ex-husband John Mayer was a newbie in the biz, he dated Jennifer Love Hewitt. she's pretty lame and talentless enough that when he was quoted saying she's not good in bed, it was pretty awesome. this seemingly nice guy who writes sissy rock music totally dissed a 90s queen. kudos.

a dozen hollywood relationships later, John hasn't grown up any. and as if the on again off again nonsense with Jennifer Aniston wasn't already annoying, he's now yapping about how she was "clingy".

one minute they're talking about how much mutal love and respect they have for one another, next minute she's clingy and he's a twitter-o-holic. it's just publicity desperation at this point and to be frank, it's making my job of defending my beloved John Mayer even harder than it already was.


2002 John Mayer dissing JLove = AWESOME
2009 Serial Dater John Mayer dissing JenAn = DESPERATE

ironically, the only ex john has ever stood up for was Jessica Simpson AKA the most annoying person in the world. figures.

now i leave you on this happy hump day with a video of me in my awkward years getting down at a john mayer concert.


April 21, 2009

random cuteness of the day

this appears to be a lemur of sorts. i think. actually, i have no idea what this is but if you know, please contact me. i want one.

i bet this guy turns into a terrible gremlin when splashed with water...i'm willing to take my chances.

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